My free draft paragraphs:

Art can be used to change the world. Titus Kaphar’s TED Talk “Can Art Amend History?” is centered around the idea of using art to amend history. During his TED Talk Kaphar states, “I want to make sculptures that are honest, that wrestle with the struggles of our past but speak to the diversity and the advances of our present” (Kaphar, Titus). This way of amending history is important because it does not erase history. Not erasing past events is important in order for future generations to learn from previous mistakes in order to not repeat them. Knowledge is the key to change. Younger generations can be shown the positive social advancements made throughout history with the use of art as a way to grasp the ideals in an interesting way.

Charitable fundraisers such as concerts are also a form of art that can change the world. Music is a form of art the brings people together. The lyrics of songs resonate with people all across the global, these people in return will often buy tickets whenever they can to see their favorite artist perform their favorite songs live. When disaster strikes artist will get together to hold a benefit concert in order to raise money to help those in need. The money raised from ticket sales is then given to relief efforts. One, more recent example is from the benefit concert held to help raise money for hurricane relief. The benefit was held in Austin, Texas. Not only was it a concert but former presidents made an appearance together to help raise over 31 million dollars for the cause (CBS/AP). This amount of money was used to make a large dent in the amount of work needed in repairs. Music and artists brought everyone together to raise money for a much needed cause, an amount that is unmatchable.

My new paragraphs:

Charitable fundraisers such as concerts are also a form of art that can change the world. Music is a form of art that brings people together. When lyrics of songs resonate with people all across the global people are more likely to buy tickets whenever they can to see these artists perform these lyrics live. This can be used to make a difference because money from ticket sales could go to those who need it. When disaster strikes multiple musicians will get together to hold a benefit concert in order to raise money to help. The money raised from ticket sales is then given to relief efforts. One, more recent example, is from the benefit concert held to help raise money for hurricane relief. The benefit was held in Austin, Texas. The concert collectively with the help of all the musicians together raised over 31 million dollars for the cause (CBS/AP). This amount of money was used to make a large dent in the amount of work needed in repairs. Music and artists brought everyone together to raise money for a much needed cause, an amount that is unmatchable.

Art can be used to change the world in other ways besides charity too. Titus Kaphar, an artist who enjoys taking his young children to art museums did a TED Talk called “Can Art Amend History?” that is centered around the idea of using art to amend history. During his TED Talk Kaphar states, “I want to make sculptures that are honest, that wrestle with the struggles of our past but speak to the diversity and the advances of our present” (Kaphar, Titus). Kaphar gave an example of how exactly he would like to do this. He wants to put new socially updated sculptures next to socially outdated historical ones. This way of amending history is important because it does not erase history. Not erasing past events from history is important in order for future generations to learn from previous mistakes in order to not repeat them. Knowledge is the key to positive change. Younger generations can be shown the positive social advancements made throughout history with the use of art as a way to grasp the ideals in an interesting way.

One change I made to these two paragraphs was the order they appear in. I switched the order after my peers suggested it would help my paper flow better and allow my points to be stronger. After switching the order and doing more editing I agree that my paragraphs are stronger. I also used Little Seagull W-4c making paragraphs flow as a reference to help me. From that same section I referenced the transition section to make my transitions between paragraphs as well as within paragraphs stronger to aid in the overall flow of my paper. One specific example is I added to the topic sentence of my second paragraph in my revised version in order to make the transition smoother.

Another change I made was the wording of a few sentences in the now first paragraph of the two. One peer noted that one sentence in particular did not have a clear purpose. The sentence she was referencing was “The lyrics of songs resonate with people all across the global, these people in return will often buy tickets whenever they can to see their favorite artist perform their favorite songs live” After rereading the paragraph and using Little Seagull W-4b Strategies for developing the main point I edited the sentence as well as the supporting sentences around it or added supporting sentences to give the sentence a purpose. Making sure the sentence had a purpose and supporting sentences around it my main claim in the paragraph became more clear and stronger.

As I revise my first paper, my main goal is to reorganize the paragraphs and structure slightly to include more of my own thoughts as well as to help strengthen my argument with the new arrangement.

First I am going to look back at my outline for the paper in order to see where I marked my own thoughts on my views of the importance of art. Next I am going to go through and read all of the edits my peers made. Then I am going to print a new copy of my free draft. I am going to go through this new copy and combine my peers edits onto one copy in order to be able to clearly see all the edits put together. This will help me be able to efficiently edit my paper to strengthen my argument . I am going to pay extra attention to the organizational edits and move paragraphs or ideas around as suggested to make the paper stronger and all the points really click.

Next I will go back and read the first sentence of every paragraph and make sure that they are claims not summaries. These firsts sentences are where I can add more of my opinion in order to make the sentence a claim and not a summary. After addressing these sentences I will then reread each paragraphs concluding sentence to make sure the transitions between the newly organized paragraphs works nicely to help the paper flow easily.

My biggest challenge I see is making sure the balance between my words and the claims I am making is right. I do not want to much of my own voice that it drowns out the importance or argument of this paper. However, I also do not want the paper to be a bunch of facts that has no claims because a paper full of just facts is not interesting and does not capture the readers attention, nor does it hold the readers attention.

If this challenge or any other challenge comes up that I feel is too difficult for me to solve on my own I will first ask for a peers help or advice on how to solve the issue. If this does not work the way I intend I will reach out to my professor and ask for assistance in solving the problem.  Another resource I could use if I wanted is SASC.

One comment I made in regards to one peer’s thesis was, “clear thesis I like how you included your beliefs in your thesis to tie together your introduction”. This peer laid out her points to be addressed in the paragraphs to come. Her thesis nicely connects to her ideas as well as shows her own point of view. A thesis fits under the category of ideas because a thesis lays out the claim that the following paragraphs are trying to support with evidence.

Another comment I made was “Is this a direct quote? if so it must be cited if not you might want to reword and say something like “..and questioned how much good were they really doing”. Here I am referencing a quote, however the quote was not cited, but also vague and could be paraphrased to help the paragraph flow better. After stating that in my comment I gave a suggestion as to how the section could be reworded to flow easier in order to give my peer an idea of what I meant. This comment falls under the category of evidence because I am referencing a quote used to support the claim or thesis.

A third comment I made was, “maybe move to topic sentence of next paragraph because this sentence is a good transition, just not as a closing sentence for this paragraph”. I was referencing a closing sentence of one of my peers paragraphs. I could tell she was trying to transition or start to transition to the next paragraph. However, the sentence she used introduced a new idea in relation to what she had just previously mentioned rather than concluding her evidence and claim. Therefore I suggested moving the sentence from the closing of one paragraph to the topic sentence of the paragraph that followed because her sentence really was a good transition, but was in the wrong spot. This comment falls into the category of organization because it has to do with how the paragraph flows.

For me prioritizing global edits over local edits was hard. I am someone who appreciates good peer editors who pick up on things I miss, especially because it is easy to miss local edits in my own papers because I become so familiar with the words after rereading them so often. However, looking back it helps to globally edit first to make sure the foundation of the paper is there. As a peer editor I wish or would suggest then going back in a different color and doing local edits so the peer knows which is which and on a second read I might pick up on things I missed the first time.  For the future this might be another editing strategy that I use. I would benefit from global edits then local edits in two different colored pens.

I liked reading other people’s rough draft introduction paragraphs. I had no idea how I wanted to approach this paper before walking into class today. When we had to respond to questions about how we were going to address this paper I was a bit lost. Even after when we had to write our introduction paragraphs and post them, I was not really sure of what I was writing, but just wrote to get something down. I did not realize how hopeful this was in starting to get me thinking about what direction or perspective I wanted my paper to head. Furthermore reading other people’s introduction paragraphs sparked different ideas or trains of thoughts for my own paper. Reading how others decided to approach the beginning of this paper helped me to see what works very well versus what might be better said in another way. I definitely am going to go back rework my introduction because I feel it can be a stronger introduction if approached slightly different. You can find my comment on a peer’s introduction paragraph here.

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