Blog #7

My free draft paragraphs:

Art can be used to change the world. Titus Kaphar’s TED Talk “Can Art Amend History?” is centered around the idea of using art to amend history. During his TED Talk Kaphar states, “I want to make sculptures that are honest, that wrestle with the struggles of our past but speak to the diversity and the advances of our present” (Kaphar, Titus). This way of amending history is important because it does not erase history. Not erasing past events is important in order for future generations to learn from previous mistakes in order to not repeat them. Knowledge is the key to change. Younger generations can be shown the positive social advancements made throughout history with the use of art as a way to grasp the ideals in an interesting way.

Charitable fundraisers such as concerts are also a form of art that can change the world. Music is a form of art the brings people together. The lyrics of songs resonate with people all across the global, these people in return will often buy tickets whenever they can to see their favorite artist perform their favorite songs live. When disaster strikes artist will get together to hold a benefit concert in order to raise money to help those in need. The money raised from ticket sales is then given to relief efforts. One, more recent example is from the benefit concert held to help raise money for hurricane relief. The benefit was held in Austin, Texas. Not only was it a concert but former presidents made an appearance together to help raise over 31 million dollars for the cause (CBS/AP). This amount of money was used to make a large dent in the amount of work needed in repairs. Music and artists brought everyone together to raise money for a much needed cause, an amount that is unmatchable.

My new paragraphs:

Charitable fundraisers such as concerts are also a form of art that can change the world. Music is a form of art that brings people together. When lyrics of songs resonate with people all across the global people are more likely to buy tickets whenever they can to see these artists perform these lyrics live. This can be used to make a difference because money from ticket sales could go to those who need it. When disaster strikes multiple musicians will get together to hold a benefit concert in order to raise money to help. The money raised from ticket sales is then given to relief efforts. One, more recent example, is from the benefit concert held to help raise money for hurricane relief. The benefit was held in Austin, Texas. The concert collectively with the help of all the musicians together raised over 31 million dollars for the cause (CBS/AP). This amount of money was used to make a large dent in the amount of work needed in repairs. Music and artists brought everyone together to raise money for a much needed cause, an amount that is unmatchable.

Art can be used to change the world in other ways besides charity too. Titus Kaphar, an artist who enjoys taking his young children to art museums did a TED Talk called “Can Art Amend History?” that is centered around the idea of using art to amend history. During his TED Talk Kaphar states, “I want to make sculptures that are honest, that wrestle with the struggles of our past but speak to the diversity and the advances of our present” (Kaphar, Titus). Kaphar gave an example of how exactly he would like to do this. He wants to put new socially updated sculptures next to socially outdated historical ones. This way of amending history is important because it does not erase history. Not erasing past events from history is important in order for future generations to learn from previous mistakes in order to not repeat them. Knowledge is the key to positive change. Younger generations can be shown the positive social advancements made throughout history with the use of art as a way to grasp the ideals in an interesting way.

One change I made to these two paragraphs was the order they appear in. I switched the order after my peers suggested it would help my paper flow better and allow my points to be stronger. After switching the order and doing more editing I agree that my paragraphs are stronger. I also used Little Seagull W-4c making paragraphs flow as a reference to help me. From that same section I referenced the transition section to make my transitions between paragraphs as well as within paragraphs stronger to aid in the overall flow of my paper. One specific example is I added to the topic sentence of my second paragraph in my revised version in order to make the transition smoother.

Another change I made was the wording of a few sentences in the now first paragraph of the two. One peer noted that one sentence in particular did not have a clear purpose. The sentence she was referencing was “The lyrics of songs resonate with people all across the global, these people in return will often buy tickets whenever they can to see their favorite artist perform their favorite songs live” After rereading the paragraph and using Little Seagull W-4b Strategies for developing the main point I edited the sentence as well as the supporting sentences around it or added supporting sentences to give the sentence a purpose. Making sure the sentence had a purpose and supporting sentences around it my main claim in the paragraph became more clear and stronger.